And I don't want to cry when you go
Stay a little longer, you know
You're making me feel
I'm not alone

so after hanging out with pat today..kinda hit a point where im no longer enjoying spending time with him.

especially when he is checking his phone/texting someone literally once a minute...for four hours straight.

even when we were eating.

rude.

fuck. 

why don't you love me?

i cant stop my brain.

stoppp brain. seriously.

i can remember that whole day when we went out for the first time..and how i canceled dinner, i think i knew it was a date then but i didnt want it to be becase i was scared of being too happy apparently.., we went to see new moon and i remember it being snowy out. and how he wasnt going to walk me to my car in the mall parking lot and i made him. and how i went up to him within kissing distance and just stood there and stared into his eyes and felt butterflies for the first time with him. and that first hug. 
those first couple months i was so happy. i miss that. so much. i think thats the first time i called him my pattykins. 
and now i have fifty billion memories of us and things we did/talked about doing/didn't do. things i woulod do again, things i wish i could take back and things i wish i would of done when i said' ill tell him..tomorrow..' like don't wait for him to get a gf to confront him about 'what we are' and what the fuck is going on?
should of did it the day after our valentines day adventure. ' i forgot it was valentines day..' bull crap kid. 
and you're soon to no longer be a kid. you'll kill me if i call you kid. i just hope that this new girl you have been interested in isn't a bitch. like the last four have been. you need to pick better girls. you could of picked me but i forgot..i'm too old for you. awesome. 

tonite was his last day. we worked the same shift, which was all to coincidental, and when there were other people around we were being our normal' lets pretend like we dont like eacother and bicker' and then we closed and it was silent and we just kept going back and forth. somethings he said made me a little upset, well i ended up 'accidently' ramming into him. hah.  and some conversations went like this

pat: yeah well ill just tickle it out of you
me: no you wont,ill just put my stinky feet in your face
Pat: ehh ill just fart on you
me: and ill fart right back at you
(he was totally taken back by that comment and i think it brought us to a whole new level of friendship..haha.)
pat: well thats not very romantic
me: ehhh(thinkng of saying, should i try being romantic with you, because i have and it failed. )  i wasnt trying to be..
pat: how do i know thats not your way of being romantic.
me: yeah..thats how i get all the boys. for sure.

then he was like' we can hangout now and it doesnt matter' it still matters, if he plans on coming back. i still don't want amanda clarke to find anything out about us. at all. she is still a stalker. i dont need her to stalk me because i would end up rubbing it in her face i got closer to what she wanted than she ever did. and how we somehow made it through like 9 months of being best friends, gfs and heartbreaks and all. and she went overboard and he ran farrr away. and shes dating someone who kind of looks like pat too..weird.  
speaking of weird.. pat had a dream about me and after hearing it..didnt think he'd actually ever tell me about it. apparently he hasn't gotten it out of his head yet. haha.
i thought it'd be about amanda or something when he started but then he's all' i have no idea where we were..but we were in a hot tub..' i stopped him and was like ' wait who is we?' and then he looks at me and i go..' me?' ' yeah we were and dont worry we were clothed..at the begining..then we were like making out..' and right there i started playing with my phone because he seemed pretty uncomfortable with what he was about to tell me ' and then one thing led to another and the clothes were off..then your brother walked in..and i woke up' wow. good dream. i responded with' well lets hope thats not a repeat dream..' and he told me something like'  it kind of did that already..' hm. i told him it was probably bc we watched hostel and half of it involves naked people..and he assure me it wasnt because this was like the night before. and then i was all' oh i have to go..' haha. before i left he asked me to hangout this weekend to watch hostel 2..great. i guess if he has more dreams like this..ill just blame it on the movies we watch. haha. and i cannot wait to tell jen about this..she is going to die. and probably tell tim..and then if we go over there soon..hello awkward conversation. i can already see tim asking pat' soo bff..you having dreams about your other bff? whats up with that? ' and jen will want to ask him' what will your gf think of that patty?' oh a bonfire soon with all of us would be great..but the conversation will go somewhere i dont want it to. especially with him not working..jen will get into' allyson needs to move on from you pat, you need to let her go. free her. you need to marry my nephew..' haha.

andd i finally have a great birthday plan.
i will feel bad because i wanted to include cindy but she's never met kendelle soo..
kendelle is off at state and i need to go visit her. so we decided for my bday weekend i would go do that. and im sure we would have a good time :) haha.
something to look forward to..that doesnt involve pat..looks like i may actually be pulling this moving on crap off.  

i really need to sleep

wow. almost 2am? 

oh and you mr hgfklasgjbdrsnkjgbr.. you can go fck yourself. 
you know who you are.

once school starts, maybe then ill start doing actual updates.
but for now..i just have to..bitch or rant or whatever.

pat. you are suchhh a dick sometimes.

flipping me off then switching your hand signal to ' i love you' didn't help your cause either loser.

i tried defending you when my friends told me how much of a douche you are being..and it was stupid. 

now if you would stop riding your damn bike to my house that i find oh so attractive..yah..that would help.
keep acting dumb and ill really be over you soon. for real.  

going to his soccer game tomorrow with cindy.
hoping that it does more good than bad for me.

tonite i talked to katy and colin for about froever it felt like. and it put me in a super happy/hyper mood. and then they went to bed..and i went back to where i was before.
its 3am and im awake?

crap. 

after all that we've been through i know we're cool.

im pretty sure this will be pat's last week working with me..ever. i highly doubt they'll let him come back after three months or that he'll want to come back. 
especially after connie offered sarah, who's last day was saturday , to be seasonal..apparently she just wanted her to  work in august and sarah said she couldnt but maybe after this semester she could come back..and connie basically told her not to try. sooo im not sure about pat being bale to come back in october. who knows, maybe jen will convince connie too or maybe we'll be desperate enough. ill make the point of he knows a hell of a lot and can do shipment and we need that. since im no longer working on that. or somedays im scheduled for that and no one tells me...really cool. 

tomorrow's the only day he works i think and i work with him early in the am. ek. he's going to be not awake, slow moving and cranky. i'm going to have to get some goodies at starbucks before going there so i'm in a better mood around him. then i leave, he leaves, he goes to soccer, i sit on my butt and do nothing, then he comes over and we have taco/secret life night. things have been going pretty well since everythings gone down. except i  keep hearing about what the managers/cassie have told everyone at work about that whole deal and it pisses me off but i have to let it go. keep blowing over..because no one else should of gotten involved other than him and i. i made the mistake of trusting someone and ive learned i don't and can't trust any of them at work. but now there's nothing really to tell them now that we are at this place of..ok allyson still kinda likes him she needs some time to get over things..they are just friends so leave them alone. and when he gets a girlfriend, which im sure will happen soon because it seems like thats how the kid is..no freaking out. i have no logical reason to. which i'll need katy and chloe to remind me of that. haha. 

i've got lots of other things to keep my mind busy..school coming up..which is stressing me out the most and my face is starting to show that :(
whether or not im going to try to get a different job/talk to connie about things that i see aren't okay at work and are pushing me over the edge.
and i have some friends that have some problems that i can concentrate on rather than my own.  

and pat asked me to go see eclipse with him..again..i told him i'd go if meg came too. she would kill me first of all if i went with HIM..and without her..haha. i told her about it and she of course flipped out saying i shouldnt go out with him and wouldnt it be weird with the three of us..and then she finally figured it would be fine. its no different then us all hanging out at work...and meg and i will just pick on pat the whole time which will make me feel better :) , and ill have meg for backup when i get into a weak moment because i know it'll happen. the last time i went and saw that movie, i got all worked up and called him even though i said i was ' done ' with him. it's because we talked about how we both knew he was my jacob, and how i hate it. im already thinking i should have meg sit in between us. haha. i have a feeling she would do that because she wants me to be done with pat, like everyone else. i dont like how everyone can be friends with him..but i cant? bullshit.